i may or may not be watching the land before time
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
