I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
