happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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