Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
