We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
