I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
