I could make wine with my vomit
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
