There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
