I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
