Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
