I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
