If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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