I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
