Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
