girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
