I wish my penis had an off switch
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize