see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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