i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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