I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
