Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize