I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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