he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
