YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
