I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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