guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
