Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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