remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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