walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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