so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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