I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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