is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
