"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
