I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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