im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
