you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
