i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
