I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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