My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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