so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
