In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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