i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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