I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
