she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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