Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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