did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
