I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
