It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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