I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
