Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
