News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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