stop calling my apartment porn island.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Found your dick twin last night
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
