I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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