This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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