she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
