Need sex. Gaining weight.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
