I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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