there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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