I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
