Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
