So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
