I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
