I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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