I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize