I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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