Yo dont text me then not text me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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